Posting in my Robe

I've been chastised for my non-posting ways lately. I cannot think in coherent paragraphs this time of evening so here goes.

a. I never have loved my robe so much in all my life. This goes for sleep, pillows, my bed. Do you see a theme? My dream present would be 48 hours of uninterrupted sleep. I would also have meals in bed, too. Yep. This is the stuff fantasies are made of.

b. Caroline slept in her bed for the first time all night last night 9:30 PM to 6:00 AM. I woke up and nearly skipped to work with the extra energy!

c. Dora the Explorer is in the shop for majorly loud, squeaky noises. They are going to try to keep her going as long as possible.

d. Guilt. I could write a whole blog everyday on how guilty I feel about everything in my life. Guilty for working. Guilty for the laundry not being done each day. Guilty for my lack of cooking. Guilty for not getting the baby weight off sooner. Guilty for being so tired. Guilty for not being better at socializing. Guilty for not having found a church. Guilty for not being more fun. Guilty at work in many ways. Guilty for the way I look. I look rough some days. And, because of these deep seeds of guilt, I take criticism to heart--constructive or not. Motherhood is hard. Being a wife is hard. Being a teacher is hard. Being a friend that anyone would want to be around right now, hard. To have a friend, you have to be a friend. And really, I want to sleep and catch up on all the things I'm behind on. Laundry, bottles, cleaning, grading, planning, and sleeeeeeeeeeep. Being Dodger Malouf's owner...hard, too.

e. Thanksgiving is almost 2 weeks away. Gobble, gobble. I am so thankful for many blessings. That needs to be a whole new post. I really am so grateful. Right now, I don't sound that way.

There you go. Not my most glamorous post.

Much love,

Four Months

Dear Caroline,

You turned four months last weekend. I apologize for not being Johnny on the Spot with a post, but life is sorta like a hamster and a wheel and right now I'm the hamster and I cannot figure out how to jump off the wheel, but that's for another post. It's fun to think back to last year this time we were learning that we would be parents. We were overjoyed. I wondered who you'd be and at this point it was still a secret that Daddy and I kept to ourselves. I think I talked about you nonstop every night in bed to him.

Papaw and Mimi celebrated with us your 4 months of life! They enjoyed their time playing with you! At the doctor's office last week, you are weighing 14 lbs and around 24 inches long. This puts you in the 75th percentile for both. Funny, but you still fit in 3 month size clothing. You continue to love bath time. You are really getting the hang of your playmat and wacking the jingly-jangling toys above. You love to suck on your fingers and thumb as you are a drool machine! I'm looking for teeth, but so far I don't spy any. You are a snuggle bunny and love laying on top of me. You roll, roll, roll from back to tummy. However, you definitely don't like being on your tummy and wake yourself up often. That means you have been sleeping atop Mommy at night. We need to learn to tuck that arm to get back to your back ASAP! You love to walk assisted. Your personality is beginning to shine through with giggles and smiles. Your favorite is when Mommy sings silly, silly songs with goofy movements to further the entertainment...good thing God gave you a very silly Mommy. I thank God for allowing me to be your Mommy. I count it a privilege. Know you are loved.


Four Month Pictures




Love,

Mommy

Coffee, Tea, or Me?

I've found my calling. I don't particularly enjoy flying. I think I just want to dance cheesy and then deboard.

Much love,

Three Months

Dear Caroline,

Three months...my, oh, my! You continue to be such a joy to our lives. You have such a pleasant disposition. You seem so content with everything as long as you've eaten even when you aren't feeling top notch. You had to go to the doctor for congestion this month and are having to take an antibiotic to help you get rid of some of the congestion. But, of course, you take your medicine like a champ. When I took you into the doctor you weighed 12.5 pounds. This past week you shocked us when you rolled over in your bed at night so early. We place you on your back to sleep, but you have insisted in flipping over to your tummy. Then, we had to strip off your bumper when you put yourself in the corner of your bed. We reinstated the movement monitor as well as the video/noise monitor. Daddy even caught you with an arm and leg hanging between the slats. You are usually only waking us once in the night somewhere around 2 AM to eat, but last night you slept the WHOLE night! I even woke up Daddy to go in and check on you. We were pretty shocked! You continue to love your bath time and looking at yourself in the mirror. You are eating about 4-5 ounces at a time. You seem to love for anyone to hold you; you don't really favor one person or another holding you...you love everyone! You have excellent neck control and are really hitting all of your necessary milestones. Here are a few shots from your third month.

Swing


Outside Picture Time


And, of course, Dodger thinks the camera should be on him. We have MANY pictures with Dodger trying to weasel his way into the shot.


Bath time love.



Sleeping on her way to nursery school


Measuring growth on lamb mat


Picture before a night out on the town


Working on those neck muscles in our Bumbo chair


Know you are loved.

Much love,

Mommy

Oprah

Dear Oprah,

Today you started your 25th season. I turned 28 about six weeks ago. I really have grown up with you. I didn't start watching recently...I really have watched for a long time. I have last period conference so I came home and watched while Caroline napped. Actually, let's be truthful. I had Micah set Oprah up on DVR so I could watch Oprah just last week after I get home from work(we are new to DVR--wow...so great!). I went to get Caroline early and as soon as I pulled her out of her carseat she had messed all up her back so the first thirty minutes were captured by the fabulous DVR while Caroline got a much needed bath! Back to Oprah. I have watched as you have changed hairstyles, gained weight, lost weight, lost dogs, struggled, cried from great surprises, and laughed with your best friends. I know this is silly, but I feel like we are sorta friends...friends with different views, but friends that talk about our views on the couch. And, I love "interviewing" people--have you ever played the question game with me? During the summer, I have scheduled my errands around the 3 PM showing of Oprah. I really admire her attitude towards education and hard work. I love a good pull yourself up by the bootstraps story! So, I've "Run On" and "I'm Every Woman" with you. Can't wait to see what's going to happen this season.

Much love,

High School

"Oh, AHS, oh AHS, we'll sing your praise tonight..." I think I remember most of the words to my high school song. This teaching high school gig has made me reflect back on my own high school experience. Speaking of high school, this year marks my ten year reunion. I would like to go and visit the 'ole stomping grounds, but since my best friends aren't going, it just wouldn't be the same...who knows I may change my mind! Here's a few thoughts about high school...

1) You know the cool guy or girl that you seem to think was just WAY too cool...they are still very present in high school and you know, now...not so cool...just obnoxious. Why is it that being cool was much more important than being kind and a person of substance?
2) I really enjoyed a good Amarillo High School pep rally. It seemed like almost everyone participate, yelled, etc. Having been to other school pep rallys...this is not the case for other student bodies. Goooooo Sandies!
3) R-E-S-P-E-C-T. I respected property, teachers, administration, rules, peers. This is not always the case.
4) There is a rule hanging in the hall. No PDA. I saw this couple holding hands. I'm going to not count holding hands as against the rules. I held hands. I was a good girl...not a rule breaker. Then, I came across a couple in the hall after school and this girl was visibly upset and her boyfriend was comforting her and telling her it would be alright. Not really breaking the rules. Everyone needs someone to tell them it's going to be okay from time to time. Having said this, anyone that starts mugging down in front of me...ewww...it will have to stop.
5) High school was not the greatest part of my life. I liked it. Have fond memories. But, not the greatest part of my life.
6) I really feel like I had a great academic experience with really knowledgeable instructors. People said how hard college would be...not really. I thought high school really prepared me for college in many ways.
7) Do you ever get on facebook and wonder what became of people? I do. And, there's some shockers out there. Most not surprising at all.
8) I still keep in touch with my best friends in high school on some level. I really like them.
9) I think I just recently threw out my last AHS heather gray tennis sweatshirt. It was looking dated.
10) I keep overhearing conversations and seeing the same types of behaviors to a certain degree and in some cases...the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Much love,

Holding on Tight

Our little family has been holding on tight as life has been going at full speed ahead. We have been in survival mode for about three weeks. We have moved to Lubbock after having our house on the market for several months longer than anticipated in Plainview. We took a hit which we definitely did not expect to happen on selling the home so I have gone back to work to makeup the difference. It's not pleasant to think about losing money on a house, but we were throwing so much money down the drain in gas and miles on cars that it made sense just to get out. We are really liking our new home. Of course, there are things here and there that we would like to do to make it our own, but right now we are still trying to dig out of boxes. Most were unpacked immediately by our great moms who came to our rescue before and after the move. I started working at a high school in town. I haven't taught high school since I student taught so it's been an awakening to my stern voice, no nonsense and sometimes sassy attitude that I have shelved for several years. I am teaching 9th grade World Geography and 10th grade World History. Two TAKS tested subjects on this new C-Scope curriculum program has my brain in overdrive. This working parent stuff keeps us busy and tired. Micah and I have done a really good job of trying to be equitable in sleep and duties. Caroline started attending a church nursery program this week. She seems to adjust very well to her surroundings. The first day I picked her up, Miss Dora asked if she could feed her more because Caroline was letting her know that she was still hungry. My child is SERIOUS about her eating schedule and portions! Everyday we get a report on what she did that day and they even write out lesson plans. She has been sleeping better since this week, too. School makes me worn out also.

In essence, if I haven't called, you haven't seen me or better yet you have seen me and thought--yikes...really pjs again, I seem a bit frazzled, etc. etc. etc.-----it's because I'm just trying to hold on tight until I figure out a little something called balance.

Much love,

Two Months Old

Dear Caroline,

On Monday, August 23, you turned two months old. That same day you had to go have vaccines at your well baby doctor's appointment. I had to send you with Daddy because today was my first day at work with students present. I thought about you all day. I couldn't wait to return home and see my sweet girl. You had two bandages on each thigh from your shots. Poor girl. You also have grown. Your weigh 11.1 pounds which puts you in the 60th percentile and now 22.5 inches long placing you in the 75th percentile. Wow! I haven't been kidding when I tell people that you are very serious about eating! The doctor did say that you were probably in the midst of a growth spurt.

You are such a bright light in my life. It doesn't matter what kind of day I have had or really anything when I see you worries disappear. You really have found yourself in the mirror; it makes changing your diapers a little more fun to watch you be absolutely fascinated by your reflection. Maybe you have found out what the rest of us have noticed...you are beautiful! Everywhere I go, you are complimented! Instead of being humble, I want to scream, "I know, right! She's wonderful and the best thing I've EVER done!" I have not gone that far, but I do have to remind myself to say thank you and move along. You adore your bath time. I got to start giving you a real bath your baby tub was unpacked and Aunt Ashlee assembled it. You even fell asleep in the bath while Mimi was bathing you! I'm with you, Caroline, baths are a relaxing way to end my day, too! You have also started smiling at us. It absolutely delights my soul to get a good 'ole gummy smile. Tonight, when I put you on your play mat you began hitting the toys over your head. I screamed at Daddy to come in and watch. We love watching you learn your world.

Know that you are loved.


Much love,

Mommy

Goodbye, Plainview

Micah just made a run for more bubble wrap and Miss Caroline is about to wake up for more snacks and I suppose I'll jot a few thoughts down about this moving gig. This is our last weekend before we close on our house in Plainview and our home in Lubbock. Back in March when Micah began his job and began driving and our house went on the market, I didn't think we would be sitting in our home in August with our little girl about to move. God had a different plan than we did. My mom says that Caroline needed to be loved on be our Plainview friends before we moved. I kinda like that thought. I agree. She sure has been bathed in love by our friends. As I sit here, our house looks weird. No candles burning. No pictures on the walls. Furniture moved here and there. Boxes piled up. It doesn't seem like our home anymore. I remember when we were really debating buying this house Micah said, "I really can see our kids playing outside in on their swing set." From that moment on, I saw that same picture above anything else in my mind. We bought our house with the idea that we would live in this home for a very long time. It's sad for me to let the idea of "our home" go. So many memories have been made in this house in just 2.5 years. It seems we became real adults in this house. I grew as a teacher as I cried LOTS each night I came home the first few months in my job. We have made a few repairmen rich as we called them out to fix things that were never broken in the first place. Some of them looked at us like we were nuts. Not nuts...just not handy and clueless. We prayed many a prayer for a sweet baby and were blessed with one we brought home to this home. Looking up at the stars at night outside the bright city lights strikes me as stunning and will never get old. And, the laughter shared in this house...I know we'll bring the same love and laughter to our new home, but there's something so special about your first home.

So among the boxes, I sit with lots of thoughts swirling my brain. Next week, I will start teaching high school history again. I haven't taught the high school level since student teaching, but I'm so excited to get back to teaching history. I start on the day the movers are at my house in Plainview. Take a moment. Seriously. I know. Crazy. I haven't really had a lot of time to prepare my mind that I'm going back to work, but maybe that's better for my own self.

I am excited about our new house. I am excited to make it our own. It has been kept in great condition and it seems like a really loving family has been living there.

Goodbye, Plainview. Thank you for wonderful memories. I wish I could pack up my friends with me and transport you 55 miles south, but will carry fond memories with me.

Much love,

28

So much to write at the moment. We'll start with...I'm 28. We'll only start with that because I have pictures to accompany.


Caroline in her 0-3 month outfit on my birthday.


Reece, my niece, has been talking about Caroline since she knew she was in my tummy. Her little words and big heart captures me...she is the sweetest little girl. She immediately wanted to hold Caroline and did such a good job of being so nurturing. Reece kept asking me where my party was since there were no cupcakes or a cake. I told her that going to lunch was my party...the concept didn't quite catch on with her.


My younger sister Karli and her two girls, Reece and Reagan came to visit me


Dodger being a great big brother. Micah allowed me an evening birthday nap and he took Caroline. It was the BEST!

Much love,

One month old

Dear Caroline,

As I sit here days after your month birthday, I am watching you sleep and snore in your lamb chair. Your arms are right by your head just like you had them in our sonogram pictures. Besides your daddy, I have never loved anything like I love you, and even that love is different.

On Friday, we celebrated your month old birthday by what else but making you take pictures to document your growth. We even made a debut at Plainview's newest Italian restaurant Fino's to meet up with the Friday night dinner group. You slept through the dinner. Then, we came home, rocked, and took pictures on your lamb mat.

You are still figuring out night and days, but we are seeing more and more improvement as I work hard to make night boring so you will want to sleep. It's hard not to talk to you or kiss your sweet lips during those quiet times! You are very serious about your "groceries" or "snacks" and about the only time we really hear your voice screech is when you are alerting me that I deprived you of your meal in a timely manner. Daddy still laughs at your grunting and slurping noises as you eat. Hopefully, you won't be making those noises in a few years. Right now, they are very funny! You are strong. You love holding your head up off my shoulder, and you use your feet to push up off my tummy as you inch up towards my face. You even like to help hold your pacifier and put your hand on your bottle sometimes.

What joy you have brought your daddy and me! Know that you are loved.

Pictures from our celebration of Caroline's one month birthday



Much love,

Mommy

Three Weeks

Three weeks. It's just going by so fast. In just a few days she will be a month old. I know it's silly, but where does the time go. I really could sit and watch her for hours. I lose track of time as she lies on my chest sleeping. I think I might be one of those mothers that cries out of sheer joy and pride at every accomplishment of Caroline's. I'm already thinking about her leaving for college. Seriously, the hormones need to stop. I've bawled my eyes out all day over all the "what if's."

This past week Caroline had her two week doctor's appointment. She is up to a whopping 7 lbs. This puts her in the 20th percentile for weight. She's grown a smidge longer at 18.8 inches long; she is in the 10th percentile for height. In first grade, we had this program we put on for parents about family. One of the songs had a line in that said, "Good things come in small packages, small packages, small packages, like me..." So true for my Sweet Caroline. I still can remember part of the song and some of the motions. I really liked music in school.

We also had Caroline's pictures made. You can see the photo gallery at http://www.denaehutsonphotography.com/clients/index.php?do=photocart&viewGallery=10147

Denae was awesome to work with. Patience is her virtue. I had to feed Caroline four times during the shoot, followed by a poop on Micah on the black set, and a tinkle on the white set and Denae rounded out our time together. Then, a sleeping baby followed. I love the pictures of Micah and Caroline. So sweet. I look at our family photos and I'm really having a hard time with baby weight. I was getting prepared for the pictures and told Micah to wear this particular blue shirt and I was going to wear this cute white top that had a little extra room in the waist. When I went to try it on the night before pictures, I looked like a sausage squeezed into it. I had to resort to a dress I wore while I was still pregnant. The more I try to put on my clothes the more I am discovering nothing fits. I really feel guilty that I am so concerned with my weight and size. Just a warning...you will probably see the same few outfits rotated until I get the last pounds off. However, Caroline even if my zippers don't zip and buttons don't button don't close for awhile...you are so worth it.

Much love,

Two Weeks In

Have you called me lately only to hear me yawn or think you are talking to a wall? Sorry. I'm learning to sleep at weird times and be at someone's beck and call. Caroline really is such a good baby. She is quite content as long as she has her "groceries," changed, and dressed. She doesn't like diaper changes and baths so far. Caroline's alter ego name is Snackarella...she is VERY serious about eating when the time comes. Yesterday most of our umbilical cord fell off (yippee...it was looking kinda gnarly and we can have real baths)! I really am amazed that it's already been two weeks. It makes me sad. My mind wanders off to her first birthday, first day of school, graduation, college, marriage, then my baby having a baby. Oh my, I'm misting as I type. Hormones...goodnight! Speaking of which, I cry and have no idea why. The radio...cry. Television...cry. Holding Caroline...cry. Thinking of the future...cry. Change...cry. I think I'm even over the top, but I can't help it.

We have had so much help and support the last two weeks. Micah's mom and sister greeted us when we came home and helped the first 36 hours in. Then, my mom came and stayed most of the first week. She took the 12-6 AM shift, cleaned, cooked, and laundered. Maybe I am a little bit of a dictator...by the end of the week, she responded with, "Yes, 'a Miss Colby." After Mom left and I bawled uncontrollably, we went to Midland the next day for Fourth of July fun (fun for Micah and I is getting more sleep with Gido, Gammy, and Aunt Ashlee on duty!). Today we had professional pictures of Caroline made. I know, I know...the child can't go two seconds without having her picture taken! Speaking of pictures, we traveled to Lubbock for our pictures. Man, getting out the door with baby is tough stuff. We are learning to change diapers in the backseat of the car, I almost had to feed my sweet Snackarella in a shady gas station parking lot...alone...luckily she fell asleep after her diaper change. Then, driving home today, I hit blinding rain on the way back the last ten minutes. I prayed out loud for Caroline's safety. I still am amazed that God immediately changes the way I have thought. He just has taken so much selfishness out of me and has replaced it with selflessness. And, I needed it!

Much love,

The Arrival

Tuesday, June 22, I was clearly in a funk. Seriously, did you read my last post?!? I was irritated with Brock from Reba. Clearly, I was not entirely rational. All I wanted to do was sleep and walking really was hurting that day. I went to bed and woke up at my usual 3:30AM for my nighttime tinkle. My sleep pants felt kinda wet. My thoughts were, "Did I tee tee in my britches?" and "Am I a super sweaty girl?" and "Did my water just break?" Now, we went to the child birth classes where we learned about water breaking and the "trickle" and the "gush." I didn't want to be a crazy girl rolling into the hospital thinking she's in labor when I wasn't so what did I do...Google. Isn't Google the answer to all medical questions? When I told Micah I was going to go check on this wet pants business, he mumbled okay and rolled over clearly either not believing me or not hearing me. After Googling what happens when your water breaks, I was even more confused. So, naturally I checked my email and Facebook all wound up from my notion that my water had broken. Back to the potty again, new sleep bottoms wet. I went back to bed just thinking it was all in my head. I mean, I was only 38.5 weeks along. I was already scheduled for induction on July 2. This was not happening. As soon I hit the bed, I heard a pop and there was a tiny gush. Yes, this was happening. I awoke Micah and he agreed that it was time to hit the road. I went to shower at 5AM and the water was off. They were fixing the well our neighborhood is on. Of all times! We were out the door by 5:30AM and on our way to UMC.

When we arrived at the triage labor and delivery room the doctors concluded that my water had indeed broken, and we were going to have a baby on Wednesday, June 23. Photo: Me in triage around 6:45AM.

As soon as I got in my labor and delivery room, I got my IV and they started Pitocin since I didn't have any pain. I walked in at a two and had been in that position for over a week. The contractions kicked up, and I requested an epidural. On of the biggest reasons I asked for one was because I couldn't get up to go tinkle. My mind wouldn't let me go on the bedpan. I tried running water, but just couldn't go. When I got the epidural, they would have to put a catheter in, which I wouldn't feel, but my bladder would empty! I was terrified of the epidural, but it really wasn't bad. Micah sat in from of me and was very positive.

I hung out at a four for most of the morning and early in the afternoon. I wish I had eaten before I had gone in; I was a hungry girl. My epidural wouldn't hit a spot on my left side. My left never got numb like my right side so I was rolled over. I got some really good medicine that numbed everything for about an hour. In the afternoon, I zoomed from a four to a seven, and she dropped way down. Then, in another hour, I went from a seven to ten, and the head was right there! My epidural was not working properly. At this point, I had seen four anesthesiologists! All very nice and bringing me drugs! Thank goodness for my nurse, Stacey, who recruited them to come in and fast since my labor was going so fast! My doctor was called to come in and deliver.

My doctor, Dr. Farooqui, rushed in in dress clothes and twenty-five minutes later of pushing we had our sweet girl Caroline Grace Malouf.



Much love and thanks to God,